When Illness Creates a Monster Inside of You

When Illness Creates a Monster Inside of You

Spoons And Sunflowers – a Column by Kimberli Davino

Having a chronic illness means my life differs on a day-to-day basis. I never know exactly which side of me will present itself. Some days, I am happy and sweet. Others, I hate the world and want everyone to leave me alone. Every morning, I wake up and remind myself to try my hardest to be kind, happy, and patient. But most mornings, reality hits me and all hell breaks loose. I find it hard to be the same girl I was, before being sick was even a thing in my life.

I realized that my actions are not because I do not love the people who are in my life; I do with my whole heart. My actions are not intentional. The problem is my actions are triggered from what is going on inside of my body.

Once upon a time

There was once a time I would laugh at anything. Now, most days, I wear a frown. Cuddling and hugs were my favorites. Now, I cannot stand when people touch me. I used to light up an entire room when I walked in. Now, all you hear are crickets. I am quiet. I do not joke as much. Any romance I once had has slowly started to disappear.

What happened to that girl? Where did she go? How can an illness be so cruel? Why should so many women have to suffer through something like this and watch their world crumble? I look into the mirror searching for that girl I once knew. Yet, that girl is still there staring back at me. She so badly wants to come out, but the illness inside will not let her.

I do not remember

I don’t remember exactly when I left my body and this monster began to take over. I have always been an anxious yet moody person. Aren’t we all, at some point in our lives? Then, I could control it. Now, it is as if I cannot control my actions. Things I used to love and enjoy have become distant memories. Most days are a struggle holding back tears, not getting mad, and trying to stay calm. Most days, I feel insane over the things I cry or get angry about. It is hard for me to understand when someone is joking with me. I have become extra sensitive.

I worry too much about what others are saying, thinking, and feeling about me. I constantly feel as though someone is taking a jab at me, even if that is not the case. My hormones feel as though they are broken. I feel stuck in a teenager’s body and I cannot get out. I never know if I am going to laugh, cry, or spiral out of control. Anxiety begins to spike and I tend to show it through anger. This is something I will touch upon in another column.

Endometriosis

Endometriosis is so much more than just pain. It truly is a monster in our bodies waiting for the perfect moment to attack. This becomes difficult because I do not think people truly understand that I am not able to control my emotions. I cannot simply just relax when I am angry. That is not how my body is tuned. Endometriosis does not just affect you physically, but also mentally and emotionally. It becomes tiresome worrying if what you ate or what you did that day is going to cause pain. It is stressful being so exhausted and not being able to fix it with just a nap. Most importantly, it is heartbreaking not knowing if, or when, you are going to snap at someone you love.

The monster inside takes control.

But do you want to know something? I am a warrior. You are a warrior. We ALL are warriors. This illness found each of us because we are fighters and we can fight this, together. Right now may be tough. Later down the road may be tough, but we have to fight this monster and take control again. So for all those suffering with endometriosis, do not give up. For those who have to suffer with us and our monsters, please be patient, be kind, be understanding, and most importantly, be there for us to fall on.

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Note: Endometriosis News is strictly a news and information website about the disease. It does not provide medical advice, diagnosis, or treatment. This content is not intended to be a substitute for professional medical advice, diagnosis, or treatment. Always seek the advice of your physician or other qualified health provider with any questions you may have regarding a medical condition. Never disregard professional medical advice or delay in seeking it because of something you have read on this website. The opinions expressed in this column are not those of Endometriosis News or its parent company, BioNews Services, and are intended to spark discussion about issues pertaining to endometriosis.

2 comments

  1. Becky says:

    Oh, Kimberli, I feel for you and am so disgusted with this monster that has to prevail inside such beautiful woman. I am not a teenager but I suffered from endo way back then and then in 2011 had a total and complete hysterectomy with them telling me that everything would be gone and I would feel better. Ha, 5 surgeries later and another one due on November 30, 2017, it’s almost unbearable. I have nothing left inside of me so where does it keep coming from? I swear that it has affected my brain, bowels, eyes, bladder, and of course emotions. Trying to fight and not fall into depression is a tough one but you know what I can do it and so can you. I have the greatest specialist in Utah (the only). He is totally awesome and would bend over backward to make any of us feel normal again. Although there is no cure for the ugly beasty monster there is hope and I hope and pray that you will keep on fighting this horrible monster.
    Best, Becky

    • Becky,
      I am so sorry to hear all of what you have been through also, and that you continue to have to go through it. It is like this monster just keeps coming back. I wish you the best of luck with your upcoming surgery! It helps when you have a great specialist! I have yet to find one here, mostly because the great ones are too much money for me to splurge on. Even if I know it would be worth it. But we are all fighters right? No matter what, we keep on fighting. And that is exactly what I plan to do! I hope and pray you continue to fight off this monster yourself!
      xo
      Kimberli

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